In another post, I talked about how men can learn to delay ejaculation and develop readiness for multiple orgasms. The techniques for learning how to do this are based on the central idea that male orgasm and ejaculation are two different body processes – despite the fact that most people think they are the same thing. A man can learn to separate the two through techniques related to breathing well and developing strong PC muscles by using what are known as “Kegel” exercises. These are the core of the training. However, there are a few “helper” techniques that you can use as you’re building PC strength.
Another way to slow down your ejaculatory response with a partner is to simply stop stimulation before you get too close to coming. Just as you do during the masturbation exercises, you can do this with a partner. Learning when to slow down and then stop stimulation until you can gain control is just as important as doing the exercises.
Now, here is a tip I learned from a man who taught himself how to have multiple orgasms. His advice is that while masturbating, when you are practicing backing off, don’t be afraid to use your hand to supplement your PC muscle squeezes. If you feel as though you are going to ejaculate despite your efforts, grab the base of your penis with your fingers and squeeze down hard. Another effective place to press with your fingers is the perineum area, the area between your testicles and your anus. With your PC muscle squeeze and your hand grip or perineum press, you can keep very little ejaculate from releasing. What you may need to do with your hand at first will become easier to do with just PC muscles as they get stronger. Once you’re familiar with these methods, all of them can be applied during sexual activity with a partner. But masturbation is your training ground. It’s your pelvic gym.
As strength and control of your PC muscles increase, you will be able to stop stimulation less frequently, and for mere seconds, and get closer and closer to the ejaculation moment, where you can stifle the impulse to ejaculate altogether using the muscles and if needed, your hand, to suppress any ejaculation. Using these techniques, most men can learn to “back off” from ejaculation and prolong their periods of sexual activity – even for hours.
Once a man has complete control of his ejaculation, and can back off as he pleases, he can learn to have “dry” orgasms – orgasms without ejaculation. This phenomenon is very poorly understood in scientific circles. Most of the available information on dry orgasms is in literature influenced by Taoism, Tantric sex methods, and other ancient traditions. Actually, there are a few different approaches to this, and one method is described in what is probably the most authoritative written reference on the subject – a book called The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams. This book is based on principles of Taoist sexuality, an ancient tradition developed by Chinese physicians around 500 B.C. Mantak Chia studied with modern Taoist masters, distilling his education, along with the latest in current sexological research, into a system he calls Healing Love. Healing Love pivots on the idea that sexuality itself is healing. It’s a healing, life-giving force, and both men and women are capable of multiple, whole-body orgasms. Healing Love implies that they can learn to harmonize their different sexual energies and rhythms to create profoundly intimate sexual and spiritual connections. Much of the Taoist, as well as the Tantric approach, to male multiple orgasms, has a spiritual component or at least a consciousness of how the body conducts energy and how sexual energy can quite literally be focused and moved.
What I want to turn to now are some practical tips on how to experience dry orgasms. As I already emphasized, the larger part of this challenge is to be able to back off from ejaculating. But once that’s under control, how do you achieve these dry orgasms?
As a woman, I obviously can’t apply my own experience to these methods. However, as a sexologist who has the opportunity to research and discuss these matters in great detail with men who are highly adept, and as a woman who is fortunate enough to have other avenues for judicious research, I can offer practical techniques accumulated from this wealth of sources.
Dry orgasms are a function of what is sometimes called, or spoken of as, “balancing the body when orgasm becomes imminent.” OK – what exactly does THAT mean? Well, once the ability to avoid ejaculation is perfected, the idea here is to balance orgasms psychologically and through your breathing skills – skills you’ve developed in your masturbation practices that I taught you in another article. When you do this, you balance yourself in such a way that even the smallest orgasmic event is focused upon and built upon so that it can be expanded or spread throughout the body. Understand, this requires a mental and for some, a visual or imagery-oriented focus. And it takes LOTS of practice. Being truly IN your body and acutely aware of all sensations was part of your masturbation training. Now, your challenge is to stay just as connected during sex with your partner.
Remain physically and mentally balanced, poised and focused on the orgasm as long as possible. At first, it may be a very small event. With practice, it becomes possible to magnify the experience by simply allowing it to become bigger, or envisioning it becoming bigger. This is, admittedly, a very difficult skill to put into words, but perhaps this image will help. It’s one man’s description of what he does:
Imagine the body as being weightless, and the orgasm as an internal force slightly shuddering or rocking the body. Allow the body to exaggerate these spasms. Allow the pleasure to be distributed in every direction, so every area feels these little waves of sexuality. Allow the body to accept and transmit the orgasm from the loins to the limbs and back again. By allowing this, the orgasm becomes magnified as a whole body experience.
For some men, dry orgasms tend to get more intense throughout a sexual encounter. The first peak is usually the smallest, then they grow more powerful. Later orgasms may rock a man deeply. Sometimes a highly erotic sexual encounter will bring no orgasm at all – dry or otherwise. But by not ejaculating, many men prefer to save energy for the next encounter – which might be only a few hours later. The state of arousal and sexual interest is sustained and this adds to the quality and excitement of their relationship. For couples who have been together awhile and find their sex life reduced to a humdrum routine, it’s often bliss to build arousal and NOT ejaculate or orgasm, but, rather, carry that arousal throughout the day, so that a passing affectionate touch or light kiss is blisteringly erotic, rather than just ordinary. Getting past the idea that sexual energy is to be gotten rid of through orgasm for women or ejaculation for men allows for the magic that most people long for, and allows people to ride the subtle shifts in arousal over long periods of time and relish the relationship in new ways. Under these circumstances, men of any age are capable of having sex several times a day, for days at a time if they want to, orgasming now and then, and orgasming very intensely on some days.
To recap – keep practicing backing off from those ejaculations. Once you can do that, practice feeling balanced and poised when you reach heights of arousal and then try to maximize even the smallest orgasmic shudder. When you experience these spasms and feelings, at first very small and subtle, let your body “surf” the spasms, magnifying the sexual feelings as much as you can. With time and practice, body orgasms get more and more intense, and far more erotically satisfying than you might even imagine.