Virgin on Your Wedding Night – Part 2

You’re reading part two of a two-part article series for couples who plan to be sexually intimate for the first time after marriage. If you haven’t watched part one, be sure to go back and look it before continuing with this one. In part one, I talk about why it’s important NOT to plan to have sex on your wedding night. I give you resources to help you learn all about sex play prior to your wedding, so you can begin to experiment during your first weeks of marriage.

First time having sex

Now I want to talk about your first time having sex – and by that, I mean intercourse. The big event! Let’s say you and your partner have had lots of sexy interludes. You’ve learned a lot and are feeling very connected, as well as excited about the prospect of finally “doing it.” Still – no matter how much you want it, you’ll probably feel a bit anxious after all the build-up and waiting, because you want it all to be perfect. So here’s my advice to you – don’t shoot for perfection. That’s WAY too much pressure to put on yourselves, and it’s unrealistic. First-time intercourse is a lot like the first time you do anything else that requires skill, coordination, and cooperation – it’s like learning to play a sport or dance ballroom style. You feel a bit awkward at first, you laugh, you get frustrated – but all in all, you can’t wait to come back for more. And that’s really what you should aim for the first time you have sex – feeling like you finally did the dance together, and you’ll get better and better at the choreography as time goes by.

Now I want to go through some of the issues that can be a little confusing the first time so that you know what to expect and how to cope. The first issue is lubrication. You know that when a woman gets excited, her vaginal opening becomes moist with lubrication. Before attempting penetration, it’s very important that she be quite wet. You should also have a bottle of personal lubrication at hand to provide some extra glide and make entry easier. Apply a little to her vaginal opening and to his penis. If you are using condoms for birth control, be sure the lube is water-based or latex-safe silicone.

Now, let’s talk about where to put the penis. Sounds obvious, right? But it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. First, it’s important that the man is aroused fully and fully erect before starting penetration. Take your time to play before you go there – I can’t stress that strongly enough. You both need to be really, really to take the next step and really want it. Men, when you begin penetration, you might discover that although you know where the vaginal entrance is, finding it with your penis is a whole other story. The vaginal entrance can be smaller and tighter than you expect, so you may not be able to feel it with the tip of your penis.

With the woman lying on her back, with her knees bent and open, and with the man kneeling between her legs, you may have an easier time on your treasure hunt. It still might take the two of you together to get everything lined up. Don’t hesitate to use your fingers to prepare the way, find the opening, glide in and out to add to her excitement, and then guide the penis in. Women, it’s important to relax and breathe. Especially relax the muscles in your thighs, hips stomach, and around your pelvic area. If you tighten those muscles out of nervousness, you’ll squeeze your vagina shut.

Now, you may get to the point where you’re both ready – and he starts to enter her – and then one or both of you gets anxious…and suddenly nothing seems to work. She tightens up, he gets soft, and you both feel like you messed up horribly and you’ll never get all the dance steps to coordinate. I want you to know that this is normal. It’s part of the practice. Sometimes your emotions can get the best of your body. But there will come a time – maybe after a few of these awkward sessions – when you’re both so aroused that all he can think of is being inside her and all she can think of is wanting him inside her…and suddenly there you are…you’re doing it and it’s working.

The reality of first-time sex is that it’s not going to be like the movies – it’s going to be like you, as the two of you. Your sex will have your personality, your idiosyncrasies…it will have your sincerity, your humor, and your love.

Now I want to talk about something else that usually worries first-timers – something very practical. Pain and blood. Many people worry about the effect of the hymen – the pain of tearing it and the blood that results. Yes, if a woman has an intact hymen, tearing it can hurt – but there may be no trauma at all, even for virgins, and sex may be relatively painless and bloodless. Or there maybe just a little blood on a subsequent night, even after the first time. If you have enjoyed penetration with fingers during your sex play, then you already have some idea of how easily two or three fingers can be inserted. This gives you an idea about whether a penis will be a challenge or not. I strongly encourage you to do this as part of your pre-intercourse experimentation. Women, if you find that there is pain on insertion of a couple of fingers even when you’re excited and wanting it, consider seeing a gynecologist who can snip away the hymen painlessly with a local anesthetic in just a few minutes. At any rate, it’s wise to have a pelvic exam prior to your wedding, and essential to discuss birth control methods. So while there, you can ask if there is an intact hymen, so that you know what to expect.

With that in mind, when you have sex for the first time, let the woman guide the pace of thrusting. If it feels good, she can draw her partner into her more assertively. If it hurts, she can slow things down, or stop. If you are using a missionary position she can use her hands to guide his hips or to stop him. The first time can be a mixture of initial pain followed by pleasure, but if there is no pleasure, only pain, you need to stop and try again another time. This is important. Pain means stop. Learn this now. This is also why it’s so important to wait for penetration until you are already feeling high arousal. Pleasure comes from that excitement and the buildup to greater intensity.

Before I sign off, I want to tell you about a little survey I did with men and women in their 20s. I asked them what they wish they had known about sex before their first time. You might laugh at some of their responses, but every one of them is good advice:

  • I wish I knew how messy sex is, now I keep tissues by my bed
  • You can get pregnant on your first time
  • Guide them to the front hole (either because they are going elsewhere or don’t know where they are going)
  • Too much alcohol means you cannot perform
  • How to get a girl wet
  • There are different positions
  • Foreplay is essential
  • Clean your genitalia (I heard this from both men and women – it’s super important)
  • I wish I knew how to get myself off first – masturbation gives you a better sex life
  • Lube is essential
  • Pee if you need to pee – it’s better than waiting

With all of that in mind, I extend many blessings to you upon your marriage. I wish you much love and a lasting, passionate connection.

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