This article is for anyone who is still a virgin and thinking about having sex and wants to get it right. It is especially for anyone who plans to wait until their wedding night. This is part one of a two-part group, so be sure to read both in order.
Many couples in their 20’s and 30’s from all over the world had believed in remaining virgins until marriage. Usually, this is part of a religious belief or the expectations of a traditional community. Sadly, they were facing serious problems in their marriage stemming from a lack of sexual knowledge and experience, and often because their first-time sex was so traumatic that it led to sexual problems for many years afterward.
Traditions that exalt abstinence until marriage are also uncomfortable sexual education. Young people are left to imagine that a happy, healthy sex life miraculously happens. They don’t realize that pleasurable sex is a skill we need to learn, or that great sex requires clear, open communication with our partners and lots of practice with varied experiences that teach us what we like or dislike. When things go badly, they wind up, confuse and scare, hoping to undo the mistakes they’ve already made.
The intention of this article is to help you avoid the same pain that my clients have felt. So, the first important point to make is this: although your wedding night gives you the permission you’ve been waiting for to begin to develop an intimate sexual relationship, it is NOT the right night to attempt intercourse. We know you’ve been waiting for that night – but you probably haven’t been preparing for it, especially if you’ve been limited in the kinds of premarital sex play your traditions condone.
The night you have sex for the first time should be a night when you’ve already grown comfortable with each other through advanced stages of sex play – you’ve done everything except penis-vagina penetration. You understand how to please one another and yourselves, and you’re both worked up into a FRENZY of desire before you go – as we sometimes say – all the way. That is NOT where you’ll be on your wedding night. So I want you to reframe the way you think about that night. Rather than being your first time for sex, think of it as the first night you can begin to date in the most intimate sense of the word. You can make it fun, too, because you get to explore all the ways that erotic pleasure can build, and the wonderful advantage of being in a trusting, caring, secure relationship is yours too.
On your wedding night, you’ll be feeling the aftereffects of all the work and anticipation that goes into producing a wedding…and by the time you’re finally alone, you’ll probably be exhausted. The last thing you need is pressure. You just need to relax and get used to the new intimacy you share – you don’t want to have to perform sexually. See your intimacy as a beginning, with lots ahead of you to explore.
However, before you even get to that wedding night, let’s talk about how you prepare for the honeymoon that is to follow. Depending on your traditions, you might be having some sex play, or you might have done little more than kiss. In either case, this is the time when you need to begin learning about your sexuality and what it means to be a couple. This is time for education.
If you do this preparation before your wedding, then your honeymoon will be an absolutely ideal time to spend building up to having sex. If for some reason you can’t do that – maybe your wedding is next week – then plan on creating your own “sex camp” during your honeymoon. Once you’ve read the books and watched the videos, you’ll realize there is a lot to try out and no reason to rush. You’ll learn about kissing, caressing, how to find each other’s hot spots, oral caresses, his and her orgasms as you become as adventurous about sex play as you want to be.
As you take each new, advanced step, it’s important that you are both ready. Sex needs to be pleasurable and exciting for both of you. But it takes time to discover each other’s sweet spots and learn about your own and one another’s responses. You have many weeks of delight ahead of you. Enjoy it.
Next, be sure to read part two of this article sequence, which will offer specific tips for having sexual intercourse when the time is right.