In this article, we’re going to be talking about the art of oral pleasure. I get a lot of questions from people who want some assurance that they are “doing it right,” who may not be terribly experienced and are concerned about whether they’re giving their partner the kind of pleasure that they feel that they’re supposed to. Maybe he’s telling them that they’re doing everything just fine, and they’re not believing him. So they want some advice from me about what to do, and what the basics of oral pleasure are really all about. And so that’s what I’m going to tell you today. I’m going to give you the 101 on pleasing a man orally.
For starters, you want to think about oral pleasure as a form of seduction. It isn’t just an act designed to arouse a man to the point of orgasm. It’s also a form of very intense play that both you and he can have a lot of fun with. You might wonder, why is it that men like oral sex so much? One of the reasons is that the penis is the area where the skin is thinnest on a man’s body. The rest of his body is covered with a much thicker covering, so his penis has more nerve endings, and when he is aroused, when he is engorged and erect, his sensations are more acute. Why is that better than intercourse? Only because with your mouth, your tongue, your hands together, you can create a greater variety of sensations, and those intensely fired-up nerve endings are going to feel every one of them more acutely. That’s one of the reasons that it’s so important to think about oral sex as an art, and as a form of extended play, not just as a way to create an orgasm or an ejaculation, because that can be done in many ways. Oral sex is very special.
Building to arousal starts with your mental attitude. And that means that you are thinking about not just what your partner might be feeling, but you’re focusing on gleaning your own pleasure from the experience. Just like when you give a massage and you’re thinking about what feels good to your hands, when you’re giving oral, you really want to be into it. You want to be experiencing the sensations against your lips, against your tongue, against your fingers, so that you are being pleasured by the experience, as well as your partner. What he’s looking for will be transmitted to you in a variety of ways, by the way he moves, by the way he moans, by the way he may tilt his hips – you’re going to get that message. And of course you care about what he wants as well. But the best and the most artistic form of oral pleasure is given by somebody who is pleasing herself as well.
The first step in oral pleasure actually isn’t oral – it’s manual. You want to touch your partner’s penis and really get familiar with the topography, especially with a new partner. You want to know what he feels like in your hands, and you want to see your hands gliding over his entire body to begin with, not just focusing on his penis. You want to be touching his chest and his shoulders and his stomach and his thighs, and the whole area around his genitals, not necessarily focusing at all on the tip of the penis, where the most sensitivity is. So you’re building up slowly to a more intense approach to oral, but you’re not doing it by lunging for the main equipment – you’re doing it by slowly getting familiar with the area, and as you do that your partner begins to feel excited as well, and ready for what you’ll do next.
Now, I’m going to give you three or four basic moves that are particularly pleasing and arousing to men. The first one is what I call the “bob and swirl.” And I have with me a little demonstration device, which you can see right here. And one of the things that I think it’s important to recognize by looking at this model is where the most sensitivity lies, and that would be right here, on what’s called the coronal ridge, and on this side, the frenulum, which is where the foreskin joins. And when a man is circumcised, this may be where you’ll feel a little scar, because this is where the foreskin has been snipped away. And this whole area, the glans of the penis, or the head of the penis, as we tend to call it, is extremely sensitive, which is why you don’t want to focus just here – you want to focus everywhere. The “bob and swirl” is not a matter of bobbing up and down on the same three or four inches as you may see in porn movies, over and over again robotically. The bob and swirl really means that yes, your mouth does come down over the penis, but at the same time the tongue is swirling around. So if you imagine that your lips and your tongue are moving in concert, and as your lips and your mouth may take the penis in as far as you’re comfortable going, at the same time your tongue is swirling around these areas of sensitivity, so that you’re never really still – your tongue is never really still – and you’re consistently exploring with your own tongue and with your lips the different sensations that his penis creates in your mouth. Again, think of it in terms of your pleasure, not in terms of just the effect that you’re having on your partner. So that’s your basic bob and swirl. Now let’s just add a few more elements to it. Let’s add your hands to it. So when you add your hands to what your mouth is doing, what you want to do is you want to make a circle with your fingers and then seal that against your lips, right up against your lips, sort of like you’re turning your hand into a megaphone. That way, your hand can follow your mouth – can follow it up, can follow it down. It can essentially be an extension of your lips so that you have a long tube that encases the penis and follows through, so that if you aren’t comfortable going very deep with your mouth, you can bring your hand into the equation, both for your own comfort and for a different sensation for him.
Now you don’t have to follow what your lips are doing precisely. In fact, if you really want to get choreographic about it, what you actually want to do is something different with your hands. So you could, for example, turn your hand into a corkscrew, so that your hand is moving in this direction while your mouth is actually circling around in the opposite direction. So now you have your hand doing a corkscrew, let’s say to the right, you have your lips doing a corkscrew to the left, and you have your tongue swirling inside around the ridge, or against the frenulum, and you’ve now created a series of sensations simultaneously. At the same time, you still have another hand that isn’t busy, so you have one hand attached to your lips, and you have your lips and your tongue busy – and now you’ve got this other hand, and it can be doing a lot of different things. It can be stroking your partner’s belly, or his thighs, it can be caressing his nipples, it can be cupping his testicles or scrotum. That’s an area of tremendous sensitivity that often gets forgotten about – I call that “the Cinderella” – because we don’t want to forget to go to the ball, do we? And that’s a way of reminding ourselves to touch those places that are so precious to a man, but to touch them gently, to touch them carefully, because they are extremely sensitive. Now, that may be a lot to do all at once, which is why you don’t want to just plunge into doing it all at once. You want to do it slowly – you want to build up to it, and do it in a way that makes you feel comfortable. You also don’t want to do any of that continuously, so you might want to stop – at any point in time that feels right to you, and just use your tongue to lick up and down the shaft, or just lick around the head of the penis, so you aren’t always doing a consistent action. Variation is tremendously important – remember, this is not simply for the purpose of building up to orgasm – this is in order to create unique sensations and to build arousal, and also especially with a new partner, to discover what works for your partner and what works for you.
Thanks to adult movies, the question of deep throating always comes up. And here’s what I want you to know about that, because that can seem a little scary for a lot of women. When you think about taking a penis all the way into your mouth in the way that seems, at least mentally, overwhelming, what you want to remember is the way that it actually works is when you create a straight line from the base of a man’s penis to the back of your throat. So if you can imagine – this is in fact the groin area, and this is going to come straight down – imagine this is the back of the throat – so that it grazes over the tongue area and then hits the soft rear palate. And in that respect, you aren’t trying to organize something that just isn’t configured to fit, or you’re trying to move your own body or move his body around, and constantly bumping up against your gag spot. In this way, you very well may entirely bypass the gag reflex, graze over it and past it. And if you can keep your mouth wide enough open so that you actually have air around the edges, you can breathe too – breathing is good! And it’s really important to relax. So if you relax your throat and if you breathe, and if you let the breathing increase your sense of relaxation, it’s much easier to do what seems like a porn movie trick, and in fact isn’t all that tricky. Now, you may not be able to do it for more than a few seconds, or a minute – it’s not about how long you can sustain that. It’s really about men feeling that when you can take them fully into your mouth, you have embraced them. It’s a much more psychological experience for a man, it isn’t just a physical experience. Now some women, with the best of intentions and the best of tricks, still can’t do it – it’s not comfortable for them. And that’s perfectly fine. That’s where, sensation-wise, your hand fulfills the same purpose that your oral cavity, or your oral cave, would fulfill. It’s also good to remember that the inside of your mouth is an area that is filled with the potential for special effects, because the inside of your cheeks create one sensation. Your upper palate creates another sensation. So when you’re marrying a variety of creative approaches to oral pleasure, and you’re not trying to sustain any one position for too long, then you can let your own comfort level predominate, and if you become uncomfortable with one angle or with one style, you can move on to another.
Now as things progress, the question often arises, what happens when he gets close to cumming? One of the reasons that some women don’t like to engage in oral sex is because they fast-forward to that moment, and they are not too thrilled of the idea of a man ejaculating in their mouth. Here’s what men tell me – this is not coming from my own opinion, from my own experience, or even my own expertise as Dr. Joy. This is what men tell me, this is what clients write to me, over and over again. They say “it is not important whether I ejaculate in her mouth unless she really likes it. If she doesn’t like it, if she is only tolerating it, I don’t want to do it. I’m perfectly happy to do it somewhere else, to do it in some other way.” And a lot of times I find that women don’t believe their partners when their partners tell them this, because they have heard so often the message that this is the be-all and end-all for men. And so I’m here to tell you, and hopefully you will believe me, most men don’t find it the be-all and end-all if they are the only one enjoying it. So if it’s not something you want to do, you should never do it. And a new partner should never expect it over you, and frankly, I have told men on a number of occasions, when I’ve been giving a similar talk to a mixed-group, that it is simply rude to ejaculate in a woman’s mouth without asking her first. It is really bad manners. So if men are listening to this, that’s my message to you as well.
So once again I want to emphasize that all pleasure is exactly that – it is a form of pleasure, it is a form of play. So I don’t want you to think that it has to be a primary means of orgasm, or that any form of sexual activity has to be a primary means of orgasm. There are just so many ways of achieving pleasure, and there is so much variety available to all of us, that all we really need to do is be creative, and it’s the creativity alone that will lead us to our sexual nirvana.