We’re going to be talking about the art of oral pleasure, and in this case, we’re going to be talking about giving pleasure to a woman. To start with, however, I’m going to be talking to the women out there about receiving pleasure, because giving and receiving pleasure is like an erotic duet, and one of the things I’ve discovered in my many years as a sex therapist has been that a lot of women have trouble receiving pleasure. So it doesn’t matter how perfect somebody’s technique is in giving pleasure – if we are not relaxed and receptive and comfortable in our bodies, then we are not going to feel the pleasure that they are doing their utmost to give. So the first trick to giving oral pleasure is to help your partner relax. And if that means reassuring her that you really love what you’re doing, that the way she looks, tastes, and smells is wonderful, if she has any anxieties about those aspects, then that’s part of your seduction. And seduction is really what this is all about.
When we think about what does it take to really do it for a woman, orally – the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that there is no such thing as “a woman.” Every woman is different. And whereas men tend to be a little bit more universal in what they like, in what they respond to when it comes to oral sex, women are a lot more individual. So if you’ve made love to 50 women, the 51st is going to be just like the first, in terms of how different she might be, and what different kinds of pacing or pressures or hot spots or preferences she’s going to have. When it comes to giving pleasure to a woman, of course you know that the most important spot for most women is her clitoris. So I’m going to just run you through the basics of anatomy – quickly! – with my little drawing, where you can see the clitoris right here, underneath its hood. You can see the outer labia – the major labia – the inner labia, or the minor labia, and you can also see the opening to the vagina, and right here, the urethra. And this whole area is very sensitive, but for every woman the spots that are going to be most sensitive will be quite different. It’s also important to remember that the clitoris is not just the little head, right here, but that it actually has legs that extend down the sides and that become engorged with blood when she is aroused, just like a penis. This is erectile tissue. So pressure on any of these areas may result in tremendous pleasure for some women, and may have no effect on others. When you do any kind of particular touching or pressing or stroking always matters – because not only is every woman different, but how she responds at every stage of arousal may be different. So just to take a “for example” – let’s say that you are licking this entire area up and down, slowly. And initially your partner is barely responding, and maybe she barely feels a thing. Later on, when she is very aroused and extremely sensitive, just the tiniest little flick of your tongue in this area will send her through the roof. So not only are women different, but our timing is different. And I’m going to change my demonstration model now from the full vulva to my massive clitoral demonstration model. We don’t have a perfect replica of the vulva to show you, so I pulled this out of a basket, and I think it will actually do the trick. So this is the clitoris, and this is, believe it or not, is a tongue.
So I said a moment ago that oral sex is seduction. What that means is that even though you understand that the clitoris is the primary organ of pleasure, you don’t just lunge for it. That’s not the way to go about seducing a woman into receiving pleasure. You may want to start by just lightly stroking or kissing her inner thighs, and slowly work your way around the entire area with kisses and nibbles and little tongue flicks, preparing her very gently and not staying too focused on any one spot. Just relax and breathe and take in the sensation, so that you also get accustomed to being close to her, to exercising your tongue and your lips, to feeling comfortable and connected, because as with women giving oral sex to men, the most important aspect of the experience as the giver is to be fully present in it, and to give yourself pleasure. I tell women who are giving oral sex to men to please their mouths, to please their lips and their tongues. And I say the same to anyone giving pleasure to a woman. Please your own mouth, please your own taste sensations. Go after the textures and the sensory delights that you enjoy. Of course, keep in mind all of the moves and all of the efforts that you want to make to give her the kind of excitement that she will feel, but also make your own experience one of excitement and pleasure as well. And as part of the seduction, you might want to think about the position that you’re in and that your partner is in, because you want to be comfortable. You don’t want to wind up getting a sore neck or you don’t want your partner to be in a position that she can’t sustain for a long period of time. So it may be that you want to make sure that she is propped up with pillows against the headboard of the bed. And you may also know that a certain position is more arousing for her. For some women the angle of their pelvis will make a difference in terms of how they experience sensation. It has to do with how the nerves compress, so a woman may feel much more intense sensation if her knees are bent, for example, or if she’s sitting instead of lying flat. So if you already know this about your partner, it’s a good idea to take a moment before you get too occupied and position her and yourself so that you’re both comfortable.
Speaking of positioning, it’s good to know that one of the things that happens physiologically when a woman gets aroused is that the position of her clitoris changes. So not only does it change in size as she becomes more excited – it gets bigger – but the actual position changes. It can jockey a little bit to the left or to the right, it may hunker down further under the hood or pop up. So if you have ever noticed that you thought you were on the right spot 20 seconds ago, and suddenly you’re not on the right spot anymore, it isn’t necessarily because you’ve done something wrong. It may simply be that as a result of her arousal, her clitoris has changed position – and we’re talking minutely. This is not a leap, this is a micro-millimeter of a change. And yet that much change can make a difference in her perception of pleasure. So I realize that’s a lot to keep in mind, and that’s really why each experience with a woman is different. It takes time to get to know her, it takes time for your whole experience of oral pleasure with her to be choreographed in a way that is melodic for both of you.
So let’s talk about some basic moves that you can use with any woman. And in using these basic techniques you will learn very quickly which of these work for her and which of these doesn’t seem to do it. Let’s start with probably the most basic, which is tongue circles. So I’m going to bring back my demo clitoris here, and my demo tongue, and I’m going to very simply show you how you can use both the sides of your tongue, the underside of your tongue, or the tip of your tongue to make light circles around the clitoris. Now one thing to remember is that the sensitivity will probably increase as you get closer to the tip of the clitoris. Think of the clitoris as a tiny penis head – so there’s going to be more sensitivity at the top as well. As you make wide circles around the base, you probably won’t be hitting the most sensitive nerve endings. As you get closer to the top, as you make smaller circles, you are going to be hitting more sensitive spots – and sometimes sensitive means too sensitive. So being directly on the clitoris may not be where you want your tongue. You may want it around the sides, you may even want it slightly off the clitoris altogether, so that you are moving it around the edges, near the clitoris, but not directly on it. Each woman, again, is different, and she’s going to be different at different parts of her arousal. So this is part of the discovery process.
The next basic motion is what I would call tongue flicks. And I’m going to show that to you, again using our demo. A flick is just what it sounds like – this isn’t terribly complicated, but here we go! Just kind of flicking back and forth. Now, you can flick slowly, you can flick quickly, you can flick up and down. You can ever flick to the left and right, which basically means that the tip of your tongue is going to go out of your mouth and kind of go from side to side. Some women are wild about side to side tongue flicks – some women don’t respond to them. So, as with circles, with flicks you have to see how each move works with any particular woman. One of the “assistants,” I think, that you can rely on, is actually your teeth. Sometimes you want to use your teeth to pull or push – let me bring the drawing back again – to push away the labia or the hood which may be covering the clitoris. You may feel that you can’t quite get to it, and so you want to use your teeth very, very gently to just move aside the tissue that’s in the way, and then use your tongue, and even use a little bit of suction to pull the clitoris up into your mouth, and use your tongue flicks or your tongue circles at that point after you have moved the labia to the side.
Now you may have heard the “alphabets” recommendation – the idea that if you can write the alphabet with the tip of your tongue on the clitoris that is going to be the best way to approach the woman. I don’t happen to agree that that is the BEST way to approach – one of the reasons is that, first of all, it’s way too rote. It means that you’re going to wind up being much more concerned with what letter you are on than really experiencing the moment. But beyond that, it causes a continuous change in the kind of stimulation that you are giving a woman. And for some women that may be fine, but for others who prefer a more steady and more deliberate use of one or a combination of particular circles or flicks or licks, the alphabet is going to be nothing but distracting. So it’s really not my favorite recommendation – which doesn’t say you can’t try it! And you may discover the woman who loves L through P!
Another thing to think about is speed. Usually slower is better until a woman is getting closer and closer to orgasm. As she approaches orgasm she may prefer a much faster pace, but again, this is very individual, and you might run across a woman who is just the opposite, and this advice would be quite the contrary to what she would prefer.
You can always ask – never, ever feel uncomfortable about asking a woman what she prefers. She can teach you better than I can what she particularly likes. And I think it’s also important to remember that even though focusing on the clitoris is wonderful, because that’s the primary seat of orgasm, you don’t want to forget about the rest of the vulva, nor do you want to forget about the way that you can use your hands and use your fingers intravaginally. Now, some women find a combination of clitoral and internal stimulation ideal. That’s what will send them through the roof. Other women find the internal stimulation simultaneously to be really distracting, and you can’t know until you try. If you do want to try intravaginal penetration, let me give you some tips on basic motions with your fingers and with your hands. For starters, a two-finger motion up to about the second knuckle, moving from side to side, is one that most women find pleasing. And this way I’m talking about side to side here, so that you can go side to side, you can go all the way around, and then of course there’s the direct, “come-hither” g-spot penetration motion that you’re probably familiar with if you’ve been looking at some of my other videos, where you insert two fingers and then make sort of a “come-hither” motion with them, so that you’re putting pressure on the g-spot and feeling the entire area, because there’s so much sensation that a woman is capable of in that area, especially when she’s highly aroused. The more aroused she is, the more sensation she will have intravaginally. Now, some women have intense sensation on the back wall of the vagina, just opposite of the g-spot. Usually, if you put pressure there and a woman begins to lubricate copiously when you do that, it’s because she happens to be extremely sensitive there. So that’s an area to concentrate on if your partner is a woman who has that sensitivity. Other women don’t feel all that much on that side, and you want to concentrate on the g-spot, or you want to concentrate on the sides of the vaginal wall. So it keeps coming back to the statement that I’ve made over and over again, which is every woman really is so different.
Another way in which women are unique is that some of them are very sensitive around their urethra – in fact, so sensitive that if you use your tongue in that area when she is highly aroused and go back and forth between the urethral area and the clitoris, that’s very likely to bring her to orgasm quickly. Other women have very little sensation around the urethra – and I’m talking about externally, on the vulva, in the area close to the urethra – it’s just not their hot spot. And again, you’ll find out very quickly, because usually if a woman is intensely pleased by what you’re doing, she’s going to move her body in a way that pushes against you or towards you. If she isn’t particularly overwhelmed by what you’re doing, chances are she’s not going to respond – her body language isn’t going to telegraph her pleasure. And if she’s annoyed with what you’re doing – which can happen, because the sensitivities are so acute that sometimes the wrong move isn’t just neutral, but it’s annoying – she will probably push back into the mattress or back into the surface that she’s up against, so that it seems as if she’s running away from you. That usually means you need to back off or lighten up. Whatever you’re doing, you’re probably doing it too intensely or too quickly, so you need to just slow everything down and go gentler and lighter in your pressure, in your speed, and in your approach to her.
Of course, we don’t want to forget to introduce toys as well! Sometimes it can be an assist to you and very pleasurable to her if you want to use a vibrating dildo or any kind of internal stimulator, or g-spot stimulator, using it with your hands while your mouth and your tongue is on your clitoris. Again, for some women that’s just too much, or it’s something that you can do for a little while, but not too long. Very often as a woman approaches orgasm she’s going to want the concentration to be more ritualized. So that might be a moment where even if you have been using a dildo or you’ve been using your fingers and moving them inside her while you’ve been using your tongue on her clitoris, that might be the moment that you want to still your hand, or turn the vibrator off, or actually move it out so that she can focus on the sensations that are building up to create orgasm. One more thing – you only have to either ask about or discover in the process. And to make matters even more confusing, some days are different than others! So on Monday she may only want clitoral stimulation, and on Tuesday she wants the whole carnival. And you never can tell.
So as they say, we women have difficulty – not so much making up our minds, but making up our bodies! And our bodies do seem to have minds of their own, and it’s wonderful when we can all just follow where they lead. When it comes to orgasm, and it comes to kind of staying the course with her when she’s getting close, it’s really important that you just keep doing what you’re doing, and you try not to change anything. Not speed, not motion, not position, NOTHING. Just keep going with her, and afterwards, of course, most women want to be held, kissed, cuddled, OR that’s the time when they are most receptive to intercourse. Many women find that intercourse after an oral orgasm, or even after a high-level of oral arousal, is the most thrilling. They’re most sensitive internally, their g-spot is most primed for penetration, and that’s when really vigorous sex is the best.