Learning to Orgasm

Lots of women write to me saying that they’ve never had an orgasm and want to know how. Well, here is the answer to their question.

But before we get to the “how to,” I want to draw a distinction between women who’ve had orgasms on their own, but never had one with their partner or never had one during intercourse, and women who’ve never had an orgasm of any kind. These aren’t the same thing. If you’ve had orgasms on your own, then you’ve had orgasms. You’re already out of the starting gate. It’s fine to want to have them with your partner, but just remember that those orgasms aren’t any more “real” than the ones you give yourself.

You need to keep that in mind, especially if you’re someone who is still waiting on that first big O, because the best way to learn to have one is to do it yourself. This is much easier and more empowering than waiting on someone else to find your magic buttons. Until you know how your body works, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to stumble on the perfect moves. Besides, on your own there are fewer distractions and pressures.

Learning to orgasm is really about learning to let yourself feel the pleasure your body can offer. So, my best advice to you is to practice masturbation, preferably daily – but do it for pleasure, not as a way of turning orgasm into a holy grail. Goal orientation can easily hold you back and keep you from going over the edge. It may seem paradoxical, but if you just focus on pleasure, not on the outcome, you’ll eventually reach your peak. Conversely, if you’re anxious, wondering “when is it going to happen,” you won’t be able to climax because you’re not relaxed. If you’re not able to release control, orgasms are really hard to come by, because orgasms are all about letting sensations build up and overtake you. It’s not about letting worries overtake you!

So I want you to set aside time each day when you’re not rushed and can focus only on pleasing yourself. Dim the lights, put on background music that won’t distract you, get undressed and get into bed or climb into a warm bath. Now breathe really deeply, and start to caress yourself slowly…all over. Although the clitoris is the area you’re going to be concentrating on in order to bring yourself to orgasm, you don’t have to dive straight for it…there’s really no rush. Don’t treat yourself like an awkward partner might!

Start by thinking about something sexy. Maybe you want to try reading an erotic story first, or think about a time when you were so turned on you thought you would melt. Let yourself fantasize as you start to caress yourself all over. When you’re ready, put a bit of lubricant on your fingers and begin stroking your clitoris. Explore it as if it were brand new, using as many different caresses as you can. Try with just one finger, or two, or three…make little circles around the base of your clitoris, or try stroking just one side. Some people say that if the clitoris were a clock, and if midnight is the spot closest to your belly button, the 1 o’clock and 11 o’clock spots would be the most sensitive. Keep playing to discover where your hot spots are.

Notice, too, whether your pelvic muscles seem to want to clench tight – or push. Try exaggerating whatever that tendency is. And then try doing exactly the opposite. Try stimulating your breasts, try tracing your lips with your other hand while you’re stroking your clitoris. Don’t be afraid to experiment – it’s your body. You own it. Do whatever you fancy and see what evokes the strongest, most delicious sensations.

Again, don’t forget to fantasize. Sexual fantasy will help keep you relaxed and heighten sensation. If you have an internal censor that keeps you from rummaging around in your fantasies, give her the boot, because she’ll likely censor your orgasms, too.

A colleague of mine suggests hanging your head over the side of the bed to increase sexual tension. Frankly, I don’t know if that actually works, but it’s worth a try – and at the very least, it will distract you from trying too hard to have an orgasm!

Be sure you’re breathing. Holding your breath is like holding your body in stasis…so breathe deeply, relax, and let your sensations guide you.

Don’t worry if it takes weeks for orgasm to happen. It’s actually good to slowly develop comfort with your body and learn different ways of creating pleasure. After a few weeks, you might also want to try using a vibrator to discover the different kinds of sensations it can produce. If you frequently feel like you’re getting close to orgasm but aren’t getting over the edge, a vibrator might nudge you exactly where you want to go.