I want to tell you a little story about faking orgasm.
Not too long ago, a client came to see me – a woman who told me she had been faking orgasm ever since she started dating the man who was now her husband. She faked, she said, because he was so adorable, so smart, and she was so crazy about him that she was afraid she would turn him off if she told him that she could only get off by using her vibrator. So she lied. Then they got married, and she kept on lying. So by the time she came to see me, she was at a place where she either had to own up to what she had done, or she had to continue lying for the rest of her life – which, needless to say, she didn’t want to do, or she wouldn’t have come to see me. So eventually her husband came in to see me with her. He was upset that she had been lying – he was furious, in fact. He felt betrayed. He felt as though she had betrayed him and the relationship. Eventually, they did work it out, but it wasn’t easy. And it’s true that it wouldn’t have been easy if she had told him in the beginning either, but at least then they would have just been dealing with her sexuality. At this point, they were dealing with her sexuality PLUS the issue of her lies and deception.
Ultimately, you never know if the hook-up of your dreams is going to turn into the “’til death do you part” guy…and then faking will come back to bite you.
But what if orgasms aren’t always a problem? What if it’s just that sometimes you don’t get there, or you don’t get there with certain people. Or maybe you’re tired, and your boyfriend is putting in so much effort, and he’s been down there for so long, and you don’t want to tell him it isn’t going to happen – so you just pretend it did, because you want him to feel confident, and you want him to put in the same effort next time. Then isn’t faking OK?
I’ll bet you can think of a lot of other situations in which faking an orgasm seems sensible too. But there’s a downside – and the downside isn’t just for your relationship, not even for you. The downside is for mankind and womankind. So let me go into some of the reasons why I think it’s not so expedient to fake orgasms.
Faking means you’re reinforcing the idea that sex is about results, performance, and outcome – that it’s not just about pleasure. You KNOW you can feel a lot of pleasure whether you orgasm or not, but by faking orgasm you’re reminding yourself that it’s the outcome, it’s the goal – not the experience of pleasure, not the process – that really counts. And you’re also validating for your partner that sex is about achieving a goal. And if your partner is a man, that’s not such a good idea, because men have had that concept drummed since they became sexually active. And you really don’t want your guy thinking that it isn’t OK just to please you – and that it isn’t OK for you to come the way you come – whatever way that is.
Faking orgasms is like telling your partner that whatever he is doing is just fine – that it’s good enough to get you off – when in fact, it isn’t. So if you keep faking, what you’re going to teach your partner is how to be really, really good at not making you come.
Now, not every partner is going to be forever, so when you fake, you’re letting him go on to the next woman believing that whatever it was he did for you was just perfect. Do you want him to go on to her as a new, improved version, or do you want go on to her as a still-cocky clueless version?
If you only fake orgasms during intercourse, what’s the point? Faking orgasms during intercourse teaches men to expect that the unique experience of having an orgasm with intercourse alone is the typical experience for women – and it’s not. Less than one-third of women have orgasms that way. So you don’t want to perpetuate more sexual misinformation by faking, do you?
It’s my advice that you be true to yourself and respect your partner’s desire to really please you, by letting him do whatever that takes to give you a real orgasm. In the end, that always means not faking.